I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
