I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
