for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
