and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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