we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
