my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Randomize
