I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
Randomize
