Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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