I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just google imaged poop.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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