one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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