12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
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