Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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