forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
