On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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