I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
