walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
