that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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