just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
