I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
