you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
if she leaves who will i have to secretly talk about behind thier back
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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