I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I love you. Go after that dick
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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