Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
