I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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