you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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