Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
