i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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