we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
