i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
