I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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