were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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