I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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