we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
