Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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