well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
