im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Randomize
