The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
