It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
