he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
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