I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
