Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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