So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
