remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
