We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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