3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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