and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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