Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
They left at like 4. I got up to help clean their house this morning and we found his pants. No ones heard from him, we're all a little scared.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
