So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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