toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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