I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
