So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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