Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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