my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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