i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
