he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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